Satire

Mike Walsh, journalist and historian, has recovered a sound recording of a sinister conversation held between two notorious dictators. The tapped conversation between Winston Churchill and Josef Stalin was recently discovered in an archive used by the Abwehr German military intelligence (1920 – 1945).

When invited to comment media news desks refused to speculate. A baby faced spokesperson for the self-styled BBC says the story is of no interest as they specialise in fake news. The sound recording of the intercepted telephone conversation in 1942 throws new light on controversy surrounding the alleged holocaust. The transcript of the wiretap can now be revealed.

“Winston?”

“Yes, who’s that?”

“Joe, it is Joe Stalin.”

“Oh, hi Joe; an unexpected pleasure, are you on the Vodka?”

“No, after breakfast but listen up, Winston; I just had a call from Adolf.”

“Adolf? Adolf who”?

“Hitler, Adolf Hitler, you fool.”

“You’re kidding me? Forget it, Joe; I am NOT talking peace terms.”

After a moment’s pause the audio playback continues. The Soviet tyrant’s voice interrupts. “No. Adolf says he has a problem with Jews. Before the outbreak of war he had an influx of 50,000 fleeing the Polish pogroms. He is concerned because it is now nine years since international Jewry vowed to destroy the Reich. He sees Jews as Fifth Columnists. Adolf wants to figure out a way of ridding Germany of Jews.”

“Can’t he do it the Polish or Russian way? There are many examples of Jews making themselves unwelcome guests and being shown the door: over 200 times in history I believe.”

Following a brief crackle on the direct line to 10 Downing Street in London the informal chat between the dictator and the plutocrat continues and Josef Stalin purrs on.

“Winston, Adolf’s like King Leopold II of Bavaria; he puts art and statesmanship before war. For goodness sake, he likes animals and children. Hitler writes poetry, paints pictures, sticks to treaties and refuses to abide by them only after we break them. The German is a damned enigma; he hasn’t even invaded anyone during a time I have occupied over 20 nations; imagine that, Winston?”

The Georgian ex-bank robber lowers his voice. “I suggested pogroms, Jews driven into involuntary exile, Adolf says he doesn’t want to go down that road. He is looking for a new homeland and assisted travel arrangements being made.”

“It sounds expensive and tedious, Joe. Where does he have in mind?”

“He says Madagascar or somewhere east of the Urals. But, it cannot be Siberia as my 476 Gulag forced labour camps are mostly scattered around there.”

“But, Joe, as Gulag prisoners average lifespan is set at just 4 months surely you’ll need replacements?”

“I have plenty of slaves already, my friend. I am presently vacuuming Christian replacements up from the Baltic to the Caspian Sea. By the way, Winston, thanks for providing the means of transport for them and helping me out with my Five Year Plans.”

“Think nothing of it. It is my pleasure. But, surely there is room for a Soviet homeland for Hitler’s unwanted Joe, Jews. Sorry, I mean, Jews, Joe?”

“There is no way, Winston. You know the situation here. I can’t damage a synagogue’s roof tile without risking penal servitude myself.”

“I understand, Joe. I have been there and got the t-shirt. I have the same problem with the Paddies, Aussie Aborigines, New Zealand’s Maoris, Canada’s Inuit, the Boers, even the blasted Hindus would you believe.”

A crackle in the tapped line is followed by a pause. “You have problems? You’re half-American aren’t you; you have a Jewish mother, right?”

Churchill is then heard to say, “Yes, Joe. What’s that got to do with anything?”

“It is thanks to your Wall Street globalists and the White House I inherited 184 million Russians, 45 million Ukrainians and tens of millions of other ethnic groups now saluting Rothschild’s Hammer and Sickle. I need to reduce their numbers drastically. Tell me, Winston, how do I rid myself of 70 to 100 million Christians?”

A break in the taped telephone conversation occurs. It is assumed that Churchill has been interrupted by his secretary. Winston’s voice is heard asking his secretary to book him a break at Somerset Maugham’s luxury private villa in the south of France or Morocco.”

A male voice is heard to say, “Prime Minister, you just returned from Morocco. Bugger me!”

“No, you wait your turn, Horatio. Then book Somerset Maugham’s place; I am tired of sodomising Arab kids. Sorry, Joe, I was interrupted.”

“No problem, Winston. Adolf wants me to suggest humane ways of dealing with the Jewish problem.”

“There’s a joke, Joe. Adolf is asking you of all people for humane methods of ethnic-cleansing.”

Another crackle on the line is followed by Stalin reminding his counterpart that one death is a tragedy, one million deaths is a statistic. This is followed by a snicker from Churchill who then asks the Soviet dictator if he thought to refer Adolf Hitler to Eisenhower.

“Eisenhower? Who the f*** is Eisenwhore, Winston?”

“It is Eisenhower, not whore, Joe. Dwight Eisenhower is an up and coming American general who has pretty ideas on how to deal with dissidents.”

“He’s experienced, Winston?”

“Sure, it was in 1932 that 43,000 starving and unemployed American protesters, 17,000 of them ex-servicemen by the way, gathered in Washington and set up a tent city.”

“Why?”

“Hungry, homeless and jobless they wanted to redeem for cash their service certificates which were worthless bits of paper.”

“And .. .. ..?”

Eisenhower used tanks and troops to clear the camp. Two protesters were shot and later died.”

“Good man!”

Churchill asks if the Soviet tyrant is referring to the shot protesters. Stalin is then heard laughing. “No, Winston, Eisenwhore is good man. Reminds me of my Georgi Zhukov, the two will get on well together but how can Eisenwhore help Hitler?”

Churchill is then heard telling the pock-marked Moscow midget that he discussed with Eisenhower what to do with surrendered prisoners if the British, Soviet and U.S empires were to defeat Germany. During their conversation General Eisenhower declared his intention to coral a million or more surrendered German troops in open fields.”

“For what purpose,” Joe Stalin is heard asking.

“He is following my suggestion which worked well during the Boer War. “Starve the f****** to death.”

Stalin is then heard asking Churchill if he thinks that a million is such a big deal. The London-based warlord then retorts defensively. “Well can you think of a better way of ridding yourself of one million or more mouths to feed?”

The Soviet dictator asks his counterpart if he has forgotten a conversation in which the two had discussed Stalin’s ‘Ukrainian problem’.

Churchill’s response is that he does remember that the swarthy former bandit had looted the harvests and treasures of Europe’s largest country. Stalin had then quarantined Ukraine’s borders and allowed 10 million Ukrainians to starve to death.

“Oh yes, Joe, I remember the holodomor. I recall you saying it might have been more than 10 million dead.”

“Perhaps so but who is counting? And, remember, Winston, the same methods of ethnic-cleansing worked equally well for me elsewhere. I remind you, I take the credit for the death of at least 70 million so where is your Eisenwhore now?”

“What if people hear these were artificially induced famines, Joe?”

“No worries, Winston. They won’t. Just as you do here in the Soviet Union we control media. One peep from presstitutes and they are off to the Gulag or in your case face a lifetime ahead as road sweepers.”

“How does this solve Hitler’s problem?”

“It doesn’t and we don’t want him to find a solution.”

“You don’t? Run that past me again.”

Stalin is heard to chuckle. “If we win this war, and let’s face it if three empires can’t defeat a small European nation then we may as well pack up.”

Stalin voice crackles over the recording: “If we win the war Germany and Europe’s Jewish communities can either stay or disperse as they wish. Never mind Madagascar, they can have Palestine. The defeated Germans and our American benefactors can pay for it.”

“And those Jews who wish to live elsewhere?”

“No problems: free passage. We will say Hitler gassed them, make it an imprisonable offence to dispute it, and give them eye watering pensions as reparations.”

“Joe, I have to hand it to you; you’ve got class and I’ve got ass.”

“Boy’s ass.”

“Mind your own business.”

The tapped phone conversation ends at this point although further disclosures are expected.